My Ambitionz as a Writer
Yesterday, I chatted with a very wise writer friend. I told her how frustrated I’ve been lately with my inability to respect my self-imposed work schedule, as I tend to drop all my plans whenever a family member asks me to play or I think of an errand to run. This year, 2025, I want to set and enforce (with myself and with others) work hours . . . but I worry I will continue to flagrantly disregard my schedule and therefore, never finish my revisions.
Part of my deprioritization of work time is that some (most) days, I want to burn my manuscript and start over. Every word is drivel and sounds like ChatGPT but flatter and reductive. I hate all of it and I want to avoid it forever. I would MUCH rather go to Target then get gas then Trader Joes then pick up one of my nephews then play video games. Obviously.
Other times, I re-read a scene and think: Hmm. That is kinda clever. Maybe even. . . okay? I should keep going, this is going to be fun to read when it’s all pulled together! I wonder who Reese or Mindy will cast in the lead role! I want to do this forever, and I have a million ideas I could work on all day long, every day!
This push-pull is impacting my productivity. I understand to be a writer is to live in this paradox (see, e.g., Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott, On Writing by Stephen King, etc.) But it is hard!
Creative work is hard, much harder than lawyering because there’s not a “win” or a deal closing, a court order or a client deadline- revising my first manuscript could go on for infinity. On the plus side, I don’t have to wear shoes when I am writing at home, or even actual clothes (pajamas are fine). Writing is the best.
I was telling my friend all this, how sometimes I just want to quit and regret all the money I wasted taking writing classes, enrolling in various programs, buying all of the writing software, ordering then shelving all the writing books, attending events, paying to enter literary contests, etc.
She reminded me that starting a new profession ALWAYS requires sunk costs. And it would literally be a waste of money (not to mention time) if I don’t finish my revisions and try to get it published.
Something clicked for me then, instant and true: avoidance of wasted money is one of my primary motivations. Why I always show up to work out with my personal trainer or drag myself to classes. This is an inherited trait, to be sure, stemming from my maternal grandfather: if I pay for a service, you are damn sure I am going to get my money’s worth.
So I need to get my money’s worth out of taking this sabbatical to write a novel — write a decent novel — and finish it!
After our call, I went into my calendar and blocked out batches of time Monday through Saturday to dedicate to revisions, blogging, learning, and secondary projects. I am not going to waste money by not using my productive hours to write. Also, I found this website called Beeminder where you can penalize yourself financially if you don’t hit your stated goals. I will (might) sign up and report back.
In the meantime, I am so grateful for friends who keep me nourished as my writerly ambitions continue to grow. Community and support mean everything, don’t they?
