When I dreamt of my life as a working writer, much of it involved solitary writing on beautiful beaches or in a quiet, chic home office with teapots galore. Perhaps even writing in bed while nesting in my velvet duvet, cuddling with my dog and cat.

Three years later, it turns out I really miss human beings!! And the physical experience of going to a workspace (ideally designed like a Four Seasons hotel) where there’s a built-in community and professional networking abounds.

This was the case with my law career but not so with writing. You have to proactively find your peeps.

This month, I attended five literary events in the attempt to further build my writing community. This included Cristina Henriquez via an Illinois Library event; Yiyun Li via the University of Chicago; Jennifer Egan via the Newberry Library’s Writers on Writing series; and Louise Erdrich and Lauren Groff via Center for Fiction. All of these were virtual and the latter is the only one I paid to attend (the audio and video weren’t syncing for the first 15 minutes; I would have much preferred to bathe in the actual presence of these two goddesses).

While I left each event having learned something, none of them solved the loneliness problem.

Then I discovered what does work but, plot twist: you have to actually leave the house!

Easier said than done for an anxious homebody, but in early May, Life of Pi author Yann Martel and my #girlbossgoal Rebecca Makkai appeared at a Chicago Humanities Festival event in Bridgeport (a neighborhood on the south side of the city).

This one required a very different energy than a Zoom. . .and sadly induced a (rare) panic attack, even though I was highly motivated to go!

First, Life of Pi had a formative effect on me as a young lawyer and reinforced my fervent desire to help animals, including years of pro bono work for animal protection organizations.

Second, I had the pleasure of taking classes with Yann Martel’s most lovely wife, Alice Kuipers at The Novelry and consider myself in a parasocial relationship with the couple. (Her Flow classes are amazing!)

Third, unlike most author events and book signings, this one was in the afternoon on a Saturday - the most perfect time in the world to attend an event with no impact on my nighttime routine (6 pm dinner and Netflix, 8 pm in-bed reading, lights out by 10 pm).

Finally, I had a fresh cut and highlights, along with new silver shoes, and I felt ready for the world!

But man, was it ROUGH getting there.

Not only was I super anxious about leaving my dog for hours (I am always anxious about leaving her), but I have lost patience with drivers in the Chicago area and hate the highways. Not trying to brag, but Chicago is #3 on reckless driving rankings and we rate quite high on random shootings as well! Thus I’m naturally disinclined to mess with downtown if I don’t have to but I really wanted to go to this.

Then, that morning, I received an email that the event preceding Yann’s talk was with the mayor of Chicago and therefore had increased security (no bags, no liquids, metal detectors, etc.). Naturally, this sparked my anxiety about protests, violence and terrorist attacks (some of this is based on me actually getting caught up in such things and most was induced by last season’s Slow Horses when Nathan Shelley from Ted Lasso is the mayor.)

Amped up on fear, I was cranky with my sister and super anxious with my mom but forced myself to go. Two drag-racing BMWs almost nicked me when I merged onto the highway, and snarled traffic made the drive take 1 hour instead of 28 minutes. As I circled the south side looking for a spot, tears streamed down my cheeks and all I wanted to do was go home!

But I finally found a spot and made it just in time to see, in-person, two of my fave authors. Just sharing the same physical space and sensing their energy made everything fade away and the conversation was delightful (until the Q&A took a turn towards politics, but what can you do.)

Afterwards, as Yann signed my copy of his new novel, Son of Nobody, I told him I am a writer, I know and love his wife Alice, how his novel Beatrice and Virgil ripped my heart out, and how much I adored his writing. Only later did I realize it felt totally normal to tell this Booker Prize-Winner that I am a writer—because. . . I am!

The other highlight was befriending a very nice woman named Zsuzsa in the signing line. When I recommended Rebecca’s Great Believers (about the AIDS epidemic in Chicago) and Yann’s Beatrice and Virgil (a book about a taxidermist, a writer and the Holocaust), she politely declined and said, at 78, she only wants to read happy things.

Respect.

We got to chatting and this lovely stranger shared she found it really hard to leave the house that day. She too had been cranky with her loved ones and didn’t want to go alone, and the CTA buses and trains are so scary to take even with her Mace, but she made herself come and how wonderful Yann and Rebecca were, and how special it is to meet people like me.

I took Zsuzsa by the arms and cried: “SAME!”

Then—career highlight thus far—when I told her I was a writer, she asked me for my business card! This was the first time I handed it to someone outside of my family and, as you can see, I leaned into the opposite of my lawyer-business-card visual branding:

My nephew Eli taught me about QR codes - thanks Eli!

And I signed it for her, as a keepsake for when I win the Pulitzer.

It was wonderful!!!

The thing I had been trying to solve with Zooms and online writing classes and YouTube livestreams had resolved itself in the most glorious way, a situation I almost avoided because of my anxiety and increasing fear of going out in the world, but pushing through my panic to see two of my favorite authors and meet a sparkly-eyed fellow book lover was 100% worth it.

I therefore resolved that while I don’t need to go to all the events in Chicago, and surely, my nervous system cannot handle such strain, I do need to leave my house more to build an in-person writing community.

Also, to help myself further help myself, day after the event I asked my doctor to prescribe stronger long-term anti-anxiety medication.

We’ll see if it works!

If you or a loved one suffers from low-grade anxiety, lives in the Chicago area and is open to a daytime writing meet-up at a pet-friendly, suburban location, let me know! I am happy to organize. :)

Finding Community As An Anxious Writer

Ministry of Time | Book Review